It seemed prudent to do a halfway update.

But I feel pretty low tonight and I'm not 100% sure why. I feel like boredom is settling in and I'm missing normality. Most of all, I really miss hugs. Obviously I'm getting hugs from Tom and they're the best ones but I miss hugging my mum, my sister, my besties. There's just not really a replacement for that. Sitting and chatting in someone's garden is nice and all but I want a cuddle goddam it!

This also might sound strange, but I haven't really thought much about the embryo. It doesn't feel quite real and because I know I can't test until the 24th I think I've done a pretty good job of putting it out of my mind. Is that weird? Like I won't allow myself to get too excited, we celebrated transfer day but now that's it, just days of waiting.

I don't feel any different and my mind tells me that's because it hasn't worked. So I push those negative thoughts out but struggle to think positively about it possibly working. A friend of mine said she didn't really feel any different even up to 6 weeks of pregnancy so I guess it could still be possible.

A lot of my thinking is that it's been such a long, hard journey that I'm sort of half expecting a negative result anyway. Like we just need to jump one or two more hurdles before it actually happens for us. It couldn't possibly be this simple at the end!?

I've also had paranoid thoughts about doing a modified natural cycle. Maybe I should have done the medicated route to give myself a better chance? I don't even know? 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't even know what the medicated route looks like so it's totally irrational.

I love seeing successful transfer posts on Instagram from the couples that I follow, but it just doesn't feel like that could be me. It feels like an unreachable goal or dream still.

I called work today about being ready to go back on 29th June but they didn't seem bothered. Not enough work for me at the moment so that's got me in a bit of a tiz too. I felt a bit dispensable (and I know most of us are). So maybe that's what's bothering me.

A lot of my friends are also busy this weekend so I've felt down about that too. Tom has had a lad's drink planned all week for tomorrow night which he really needs but I'm just sort of floating around the house like I have been all week. Maybe it's a hint to catch up on naps or take a walk with myself? Obviously paranoia has settled in and I keep thinking my friends don't want to hang with me because they're tired of hearing me talk about IVF and the fact that I can't have any booze 😂🙄

Wish I could shake this mood.

Otherwise, I've mostly been reading books, cooking for us and eating pineapple. Can't get enough of the stuff, even though if the embryo was going to stick it would have done so by now! Arthur has been keeping the nest warm too.

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