With a little flickering heartbeat.

Today was probably the most surreal day of my life so far. The last few weeks have been a complete blur.

I had some mild spotting last week for 2 days and was worried it was the start of the end of our little miracle. I called the clinic and it was too early to scan and they were worried if they didn't see a heartbeat that it would make me worry more than necessary. So we were told to relax and wait another week.

The good news is that the spotting stopped after those 2 days and then we just had less than a week to wait until our scan today. Today we are 7 weeks + 1 day.

Up until last night, I'll be honest, I haven't really thought about it much. I haven't had a huge amount of symptoms except a hard belly bloat so it hasn't really sunk in that we're pregnant. I've been feeling tired too but put that down to being back at work.

This morning, I was so nervous. Like it hit me all at once that this is it. Today we find out if it's real and actually happening.

We drove to the clinic in a bit of a daze (might have had something to do with the early appointment of 8.15am). Tom couldn't come in still due to government guidelines but the nurse kindly let me put him on loud speaker. We worked out the date and confirmed my due date of 1st March (St David's Day - baby Barber already knows they're half Welsh 🥰). Gemma (the nurse) then explained that she was going to perform an internal scan (shout out to Wanda) and check everything was as it should be before showing me the screen. She mentioned she may have a colleague pop in if something needed checking or there was an anomaly that she wasn't expecting.

So, you know the deal. Hopped up on the table, legs akimbo, feet in stirrups and she prepped Wanda. I can remember very plainly wringing my hands and fingers and sort of praying that it was all OK. Wanda went in and before I knew it Gemma was saying 'Congratulations' and turning the screen towards me. Tom on loud speaker the whole time could barely hear but said he heard 'Congratulations' so assumed it was all good!

Gemma then pointed out the pregnancy sac, the yolk sac (the bright white circle) and the embryo which is the blob next to it. Within the blob is a bright white area which is the flickering heartbeat. I just couldn't really believe what I was seeing and kept repeating that it was amazing. That's our baby! She said everything was exactly it should be at this stage of pregnancy. She also mentioned they can't rule out miscarriage but that's the same for all pregnancies at this stage, right?

It wasn't until I was off the table and holding a strip of scan photos having Gemma tell me that I no longer need to come to the clinic and I should call my GP to start antenatal appointments that I started to well up. It all felt very real and very normal compared to our 3 year battle to date.

After that I ran out to the car with the pictures, crying and cuddled Tom so hard and explained all the little parts of the pictures. So very surreal and exciting!

This whole thing has been such a hard ride so far and I don't think we've really allowed ourselves to enjoy it out of pure fear. We're still absolutely terrified. We desperately want to get to 12 weeks and after that 20 weeks and just feel like there's so many check points where the news could be potentially devastating. But at the same time, when exactly are we supposed to celebrate?

When do we succumb to the fact that we've been through so much to get here? When do we start enjoying the fact that we've made it to pregnancy? When do we just enjoy being pregnant? When do we get to say that we've worked so hard to get to this point, so we're just going to let ourselves be consumed by the idea that we're going to be parents?

We haven't announced anything on our personal social media accounts and honestly have no intention to. Everyone I care about knows what we've been through and knows where we are in our little story and that's all I want to share. I don't need gratification from school friends I no longer see and I also don't want to rub it in. How do I know that there isn't someone I'm 'friends' with who may be going through infertility problems of their own?

All I know is that I'll always be happy to talk about IVF. I'll be proud to tell everyone how it happened for us and even if this is as far as it goes, we're going to damn well enjoy it!

I've also decided that the blog may no longer be required on a regular basis. I don't want to blog about pregnancy, baby bumps, symptoms and all that. But for now, I want to continue to share the highs and lows of our scans, anxieties and appointments along the way.

A shout out to friends, family and followers who have supported us so passionately up to this huge milestone. We honestly believe we couldn't have come this far without you 😘

For now, here's our 7 week fruit size, courtesy of the Ovia app recommended by a friend.

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