Updated: Mar 27, 2020

Getting ready to start ICSI and all the feelings.

It's been a really busy week. Work is kicking off again as it always does and I'm finding it hard to switch off in my own time. It honestly feels like I could work 24 hours a day and I'd still have a load on my plate.

We also got a call from the nursing team at our clinic with our dates and protocol which got me excited because it meant I could plan and pop all the big dates in my diary. You should know by now that I love a plan / list / military precision organisation!

We were also recommended an acupuncturist by Tom's school friend who is now pregnant after a round of IVF so I was keen to get started on that.

Finally, we managed to squeeze in a date night at this restaurant we love and have waited 6 months for a table for. And we made some new friends in our neighbourhood who kindly had us round for dinner.

So... amongst all of this, I've had an overwhelming feeling of loneliness that I find really hard to explain because it's so complex. I generally feel like I've got a great support network. Friends who know what we're going through, family who are very supportive and obviously Tom who is amazing- goes without saying. But I don't have anyone who is at the exact same stage in life as me.

I feel like I'm caught between 2 groups of people. One group who love a glass of wine, a natter, a party, feel low responsibility levels and another group who are full on into family mode with kids who are their number one priority.

Group one I feel distant from because I'm not drinking for obvious reasons, trying to keep to a sensible and under indulgent diet and generally feel a bit boring to be around. Plus I feel like a lot of them know that so perhaps don't invite me out for fear of rubbing it in. I also have a sense of paranoia that maybe people are a little sick of me talking about IVF so much. Like get on with it already.

Group two I so desperately want to be a part of but have no guarantee of joining. I feel like this group probably have less time to hang out because of said kids but also feel a bit guilty for having kids around me. Like they too don't want to rub it in or talk to me about anything in case it might spark some deep seated emotions under the surface (which it wouldn't just FYI - I'm still me).

And then there's Tom and I caught in this weird limbo place of being part of neither group and just constantly waiting to see what happens.

Now I know there's this amazing community on my Instagram and it really is lovely to be part of it and read what everyone else is going through and get so much lovely support from strangers but I can't help feeling like I just want someone to put their arm around me and say: "It's ok, I know exactly what you're going through and it's shitty but whatever happens it'll be fine. This is what happened to me and this is what you can expect and I'll be there every step of the way."

We know a couple of people who have had IVF and it's been successful so maybe they're also in another group of their own about to join group 2. And I'm wary of talking to them in case they're all moved on with their feelings and just looking forward to parenthood and I'm still over here like 🤪😴😁🤔😬🤯

I know a lot of this also makes me sound ungrateful because we honestly have the loveliest people around us but I guess it's like you never really know how it feels until you've done it yourself. And I'm just feeling that quite strongly this week. Not to mention a huge sense of responsibility for it to work because it's my body, not Tom's. And what if the poor, slightly squidgy, achy and tired body doesn't work?

At least I have my blog to spill it all out on. Thanks for reading.

AND my new acupuncturist. Her name is Eleanor Breen (if you are Bristol based she is on Colston Street and works out of the little blue herbalist shop). I've instantly felt comfortable with her and quite frankly she's a magician. I felt like she was half counsellor, half acupuncturist. And I want to tell you all about her in my next blog because I think she deserves one all for herself. More coming soon.

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