2020- a year of mixed feelings

Last night's announcement from the government has caused all sorts of upset across the country. Everyone will be feeling they're own hardships. I for one am just so frustrated that they waited this long and this close to Christmas to cancel the plans they surely knew could never happen in reality? But it's just one in a series of horrendous mistakes that our government has made throughout this pandemic.

For me personally, it's got me looking back at 2020 as a whole a few days early before the new year begins. I can't help but feel that this pregnancy hasn't been at all what I had imagined and it makes me feel immense guilt. One half of me is so grateful to be in this position after such a long time and when others are still battling with infertility. I really am grateful, I wake up most mornings in disbelief that our baby boy is kicking me. Something I never thought we'd have.

The other half of me feels so sad and I can't help it. I feel sad that I've not had time to share some of these moments with family and friends. There's been no opportunity for my mum to feel the baby kick, for my Nan to come shopping with me for baby things or my sister to give me a squidge. I think I've seen my grandparents once since I got pregnant. And no doubt there will be no chance to celebrate with friends before the baby arrives.

I know that in the grand scheme of the pandemic this is really small and fairly insignificant. People have lost their lives and their loved ones, their livelihoods and life has changed beyond recognition. I can't begin to imagine and I know how lucky I am to still have everyone around me even if they are to be kept at a distance for now.

It's just that some days it feels like I've paid a price to be pregnant at all.

I am looking forward to Christmas Day where I will hopefully see my mum, step dad and sister for a meal.

In more positive news, the government recently announced an update for birth partners in England to be present in the hospital at every stage of labour. They have called for local NHS trusts to review their risk assessments and prepare accordingly. Up until now throughout the pandemic, birth partners have been kept separate until advanced stages of labour. It's had me feeling really anxious about the birth so this is a really positive move and I hope it's all OK for when our time comes.

We're also going to start our Positive Birth Company digital pack this week now that we have some time away from work. I feel like I know absolutely nothing about my body all of a sudden and I've heard some amazing things about Hypno-Birthing in general. I'm ready with my open mind and big fat belly!

I hope everyone out there is doing OK under new guidelines. My blog / inbox is always open for those who are feeling lonely or just want to chat. It's always a strange time of year only made stranger by the events of 2020. Love to all 💓

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