Updated: Mar 27, 2020

Back to the daily grind, but I've never been more excited and terrified to see my period!

Yes that's right folks, the period has arrived and that can only mean one thing. It's time to get started with our first ICSI cycle. So on Wednesday, my period arrived a few days earlier than predicted, which honestly almost never happens so initially I was really excited to call the clinic and let them know about day 1. Then, as ever, anxiety and overwhelming emotion took over as I realised what we're about to get ourselves into.

I called the clinic and they explained a nurse would call me back with a planning appointment. Great! I love to plan. Told Tom by text and exchanged a few "this is it!" "OMG exciting" messages. Nurse calls back and books us in for 10th Feb and then completely throws me by asking what medication I'm going to be taking... Uhhhh sorry Hun shouldn't you be telling me? And then there was a series of quick fire questions containing acronyms and names of forms that really put my head in a spin. I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

Called Tom who is very level headed and calm and assured me that we will probably find everything out at said appointment on the 10th so that's what we're waiting for now and gathering up the paperwork we have at home.

In the meantime, I've been doing lots of irrational thinking, as one would when you're about to put your life on hold whilst you jab yourself in the ass with needles for 6 weeks hoping it'll make a difference to your infertile body. Let me give you some insight into my over worked mind:

- What if I can't do it?

- What if it doesn't work?

- What if I get really unwell from the medication?

- What if I can't function like me?

- What if I can't do the injections?

- What if I get so unwell that we can't continue?

- What if they get no eggs at the end of it?

- Why are we doing this again?

- What if I'm not strong enough?

- What if I can't cope with this and everything else like work?

- What if I piss work off by not being normal self?

- What if I find work too stressful alongside it?

- What should I do about telling people?

- What shall we tell people?

- Shall we tell people anything?

- What will I do if I really want a glass of wine?

- What if we go through all of this and it doesn't work?

- What if it doesn't work and I don't want to try it again?

- What do the injections feel like?

- What will the medication make me feel like?

- Will I be more emotional than I already am?

- What if the clinic forgets about us?

- What if the clinic just sees us as another number?

- What if we wait those 2 weeks and we're not pregnant?

- How will we feel if we're not pregnant at the end of it?

- What if I lose my mind?

- Have I already lost my mind?

- Do you think I've lost my mind?

- I think I've lost my mind already, what do I do to stay sane?

- What if we end up in a big black hole of depression if it doesn't work?

Yes, this is me ladies and gentlemen. Irrational, hormonal, tired, over worked, jet lagged and generally terrified. Always looking too far ahead.

BUT also still excited. For every negative thought or question there are positive ones. Like what if it does work? OMG we'll be pregnant and we'll have the family we've been trying for. We've got to stay strong and at least try. The only way I can see how to cope with it is to organise every little scrap of paper we've ever been sent about our fertility into a folder with tabs... A beautiful colour coded folder with tabs.

If you know me you'll know this is like heaven for me. Organising a nice little manageable folder. Bliss.

So here we are with just over a week to wait until we have all of our dates, are taught how to use the needles, able to ask many more questions and get ready to start.

We've worked out our 17th day of the cycle (which is when I'll start injecting) is Valentine's Day. How romantic!? You honestly couldn't make it up. So come on Cupid, be my lucky charm and don't let us down.

Looking forward to getting things going.

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