It's nice to have a break after everything we've been through.
I feel like I've been a bit quiet on my blog lately and even avoiding my dedicated IVF Instagram profile. It's not like I have an obscene amount of fans or anything, but I felt bad for missing out on updates from fellow IVF warriors including disappointments of yet more cancelled cycles in the face of Coronavirus and even positive pregnancy test results. I normally like to keep up to date and support where I can.
The truth is that I really needed a break from all of that. I've said it before that I never wanted to lose myself to this process and I think it can be really easy to do that if you're constantly consuming this sort of information. It becomes almost obsessive.
I've really felt like (and this is pure selfishness) when I scroll down my @fragilecottonstring home feed it's full of positive pregnancy stories (amazing work folks - big congratulations), but I'm not there yet and it reminds me of our stage in all of this and it's just on hold. Then I get to over-thinking, I wonder if we'll be posting something like that in months to come? And what if we can't post something like that in a few months because it doesn't work? What if we never get to that stage because there are too many complications? And on the flip-side, what if it does work? What does that mean for the next 9 months? Will we make it to full term? What if we become parents? Do we still want to live in this house, or shall we move? And it just keeps going on and on and round and round.
The other content I'm witnessing centres around the really sad and frustrating news that many cycles are being cancelled all over the country because of Covid 19. It's heart breaking. Trust me, I didn't want to get to this stage and have our embryos frozen - they're ours and I want them put back please! But I don't think that's a good use of my energy to get annoyed, angry and frustrated. If we're all honest with ourselves, we surely saw it coming with the closure of restaurants, bars, shops, NHS and medical workers being called in to help, etc. Am I pissed off that this whole thing started and now I have to spend an undisclosed amount of time writing empty blog posts and watching those further into their cycle get pregnant before me? YES. Is it going to do me any good to dwell on it, unleash the green eyed monster and pine after something I can't have just yet? NO. So I won't do it to myself. It takes a lot of distraction methods and keeping busy, but it's working.
So I literally haven't been on that Instagram profile for about a week. I needed a break from it and I feel a bit better. I love chatting to other like minded women on there about everything infertility has to offer (or not offer as the case may be), it's such a supportive network. You can't post anything without a little thumbs up from someone who completely understands. However, this week, it's been nice to get back to being me, no medication, no needles, no unhelpful thoughts. Just working through a list of house tasks like painting the garage! Enjoying a glass of wine and a dance with my husband to our favourite songs, baking cookies, a good boxset (we're on the last episode of the Tiger King tonight - OMG have you seen it?), snuggling the shit out of our cat Arthur and chatting to good friends by video phone.
If you ask me, I think we all need to take a day or two to be 'selfish' again and get back to being us, not what our conception journeys are forcing us to be. You may as well because there is literally nothing else to do! I'm off on a trip down memory lane this afternoon and have decided to organise my photos (stored on the cloud) into folders. Hoping it throws up some really lovely stuff for a little reminisce. Have a great weekend x