Updated: Mar 27, 2020

Assessing heartache versus the benefits

No I’m not pregnant in this photo. This is what I call my post period belly. Endometriosis symptom in all its glory. Extreme bloat and discomfort - even after a period. Made you look.

Lately I’ve read a huge amount of stories from some very brave women in pain. Not just physical but emotional. One lady in particular is on her 6th round of IVF, skint and raising money for it through selling crafts. It got me thinking if all the pain, the hurt, the worry, the damage to your mental health is all worth it. I’ve said this out loud before and had mixed responses. I think to most women who are already a mum it might sound shocking and they start a tirade of reasons why it’s the most wonderful thing in the world to raise a child and have a family (cue massive guilt from me) but then some women who have perhaps decided not to be a parent say it’s my choice and suggest you can still have a life even if you don’t have a baby.

We‘ve done a lot of waiting around the last 5 weeks since our last appointment and still no word on our ICSI funding from the NHS. We’ve been worried, distracted and in a place where we feel we can’t move forward until we have an answer, like our lives are on hold. So it started me off thinking if it was worth it.

I’ve never been a mother so I can’t relate to any of those feelings of love, obsession and being depended on. All I have to go on is that my body urges for something to make our family complete. Maybe it’s body clock, maybe it’s maternal instinct. One thing I have been most concerned about is that maybe I’m just bored and need a change and a baby is a way out of my current routine. It sometimes feels like I haven’t quite decided yet since the choice has largely been taken out of our control.

We have decisions to make; do we fund our own treatment if we don’t get funding? Do we even want to go ahead with it if we do get funding? It just feels like ever since it became more complicated we’ve been in a spiral of wondering about it more than ever before. You have to remember that we’ve been trying for 3 years already and it’s very tiring. Does there come a point where you admit defeat and say: It’s not meant to be.

There are occasions in public where a child is perhaps misbehaving and we breathe a sigh of relief that we don’t have those same stresses to deal with. But at the same time, holding a friend’s baby and watching them nurse or cuddle or show them something for the first time makes me feel like I’m missing out.

The other consideration is that sometimes I’ve also thought it’d be a bit like buying a baby if we had to find it ourselves. Tom chuckled when I mentioned this and said it’s just like paying for any other procedure but I can’t help it- maybe I’ve had too much time to think! It makes it feel more materialistic to my mind, like everyone else has one so I want one too please!

And what if we do get funding and it doesn’t work and we have more choices / sacrifices to make? Is it worth going through something so intense that will take its toll physically and mentally only to find out that it didn’t work either? I’m not sure I’m prepared for that.

I do often think that maybe I’m protecting myself. Maybe I’m subconsciously coming up with a back up plan, just in case the worst does happen.

And so this blog has become something hard to write and almost taboo. Friends and family have been so positive on our behalf about our next steps and what might become of our IVF journey that it almost feels wrong to share these feelings but in the spirit of promising myself to be honest and share real feelings- here you are- bloated belly and all.

If you’ve had similar feelings of giving up or wondering about the worth, would love to hear from you. I hope I’m not alone in my selfish thinking!

Have a great weekend and let us know if you’ve seen the postman anywhere...

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