The last two weeks have been difficult

It's been almost 2 weeks since my last post and I've been back at work. I've found the transition from 6 weeks of furlough back into the eye of the storm quite terrifying. Which isn't like me. I thrive in a challenge normally and I get shit done. It's the reason I like to think my employer has kept me around. But I just can't shake it.

I thought I was missing being busy in furlough and missing the work that I do and maybe that's still true, but since I've been back it's been a different sort of work. I work for a restaurant chain and the future is unpredictable, completely reliant on the government and a set of rules that haven't yet been outlined. I'm picking up tasks that normally colleagues would be doing because the team availability is smaller and a couple of new initiatives have even been launched while I was off so I've desperately been trying to get my head around those too.

All the while I feel like I don't have the headspace.

Life was on a big fat pause just over 2 weeks ago. Our clinic was closed, work was on stop, I felt like I could breathe for the first time in a long time. It was more than a holiday where you just recharge your batteries, maybe enjoy some sun, it was time in abundance to process life, figure out what's important and put yourself first - whatever that looked like. Some days it was exercising, some days it was overindulgence; wine, cakes, pizza. Some days it was Netflix, some days it was reading and everything in between.

Then it seemed everything was back with a bang and I wasn't quite ready for it. The clinic was opening, I was back at work and life continued just like it was doing before. I started to feel like I was existing in this space of time again allowing things to happen to me rather than being in control. I felt so stressed out and still do.

So much so that I felt the need to speak to HR yesterday. It was actually the best thing I could have done. I got some perspective, I aired my worries, I spoke about my relationship with my line manager and how that concerned me in the long term with what I'm about to go through and she basically fought my corner. She helped me remember that it's OK to want and to have a life outside of work. It's OK to take time for yourself and figure out what you need. She talked me through options but this morning I've decided to ask to be put on furlough again and it's been granted as of the end of this week.

To those reading it might sound superficial. Oh she just doesn't want to work, wouldn't it be nice to be on furlough...etc. but I was thinking of taking 2 weeks off for our 2 week wait anyway and it seems sensible to me that my company would prefer to have the government pay for 3 weeks of leave instead?

I'm about to go through some potentially life changing stuff and that's what's blowing my mind. Either we get what we want and I get pregnant and then have to deal with the anxiety of being able to stay pregnant. Or we don't and I have to mourn what could have been. I just can't fathom doing that while working. It might make me weak but it's me. And perhaps if you did my job you'd understand a little better.

I also started my period today, so it's kick started a whole new thinking of what's to come. It's fucking go time! And I don't feel ready AT ALL!

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