I'm back for a little bit of support.

It's been a really long time since I even visited my blog, let alone had a scroll on my Instagram account linked to it. Today I wanted a little boost to see how far we've come on our mission to Baby Barber. What a ride! I can't believe we are here compared to where we started. Honestly feels like a dream.

I've been feeling pretty low this last week actually and whilst my feelings aren't related to fertility treatments, they are sort of pregnancy related and I wanted to see if any other expectant mums have been feeling the same?

A few little things have happened at work recently which have only served to make me feel insecure. And I'm having some trouble deciphering my feelings. Part of me thinks it's not so bad because I finally have the baby that we wanted on the way and I'm excited to be a new mum and take on the new adventure but there's another part of me that feels left out. I feel easily replaced having gone through some of the recruitment process for my maternity cover and also a bit jealous. I've spent the last almost 5 years building my little department, running it pretty efficiently and even started it from scratch. They didn't have a marketing function before I joined. And now to hand it over to someone else feels like I'm giving up or handing over a different kind of baby.

I'm also being placed on full-time furlough from tomorrow afternoon when a number of my colleagues in equivalent departments are staying at least part-time and it makes me feel somewhat useless. A bit disposable I guess! I know the industry I work in (hospitality for anyone new to the blog) is really suffering at the moment but I can't help feeling like I want to stay and help fight the cause. Do some cool stuff to keep moods high and keep the brand alive. But I guess head count is important right now to protect the longevity of the business.

Friends and even colleagues who are staying in the business have said how jealous they are of my furlough. "Oh you get all that time to relax and nest!" But I'm not much good and never have been at relaxing. I'd much rather be busy and let's be honest, heading into a period of statutory maternity pay, I could with that extra 20% of my salary!

I know this time is also pretty unique given we've not had much of a pandemic in the UK before, but I wondered if there was anyone else out there with the same feelings? Maybe you felt like this before you had your baby? Apprehensive about giving up the life you had before baby? Maybe you can help me or give me some advice!

I guess I'm worried that my vulnerable position is just heightening some of my feelings. And I want to feel more positive as I head into another lockdown on furlough.

In other (and more positive) news. We had our 20 week scan last month at about 19 weeks and discovered we're having a baby boy. We are naturally over the moon and somehow discovering the gender made it all feel a bit more real. We had strong boy vibes from day one so it wasn't a surprise to us necessarily but certainly hit home that we're actually going to be parents! Yikes! Baby is doing really well, organs all looked great, strong beating heart and beautiful little feet!

I'm sorry I've not been on the blog for a while. I had some lovely messages to come back to so thank you for those. I guess I got caught up in our news and didn't want to constantly post about it here and offend anyone.

Stay safe out there for lockdown 2. And for my friends in Wales, enjoy a pub visit for me from Monday (but safely)!

G x

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